Whole-ly embarassing


I love Whole Foods, and they did not pay me to say that. I go there on the regular, and I wouldn't have it any other way. However, one emotion I regularly feel there is embarrassment. Here's some examples: Cart Size

So at Whole Foods, everything is about choice. It starts with the carts. I find myself dithering even before I enter the door.  There's the regular cart, but isn't that a little pedestrian? Then there's a slightly wider cart clearly for gluttons. The little hand held basket says "I already spent all my money on Barre classes." There's also the super-sized basket with wheels, for those who go in for a couple of avocados but wind up with a bunch of items packaged in ultra-heavy glass. But the cart you want is the metropolitan two decker rolling cart-lette. It says "I fully realize this is an updated version of those carts crazy ladies with lipstick smeared well outside their lip lines push up fourth avenue in the city, and I like that!" Or maybe not.

Produce containers

When I buy fruit there, I do walk the extra 10 feet to the sparsely placed plastic bag dispensers. I see those lunch bag sized paper bags I would use if I cared about the environment. But I have four kids! I’m buying a dozen apples minimum! They will bruise squeezed in there and probably spill out all over the place.

Sample slam

There’s this woman who is often there offering samples of new products. I’m usually rushing to pick someone up or mentally going through the ingredients for my muesli to stop. But somehow, when I strolled by the other day and even looked at the product, she didn’t even say anything to me. I felt sad inside.


What do I do with my green smoothie cup? I find the recycling system so intimidating that I don’t throw anything away. The whole thing reminds me of a game of perfection with the triangle/square/circle openings. I sort-of think that a bell is going to ding and all the trash will erupt out of them if I put the plastic in the compost bin by mistake.


They still make CDs?

I used to just laugh because where did the Whole Foods people even get CDs? Its not like I use my CD man when I power walk or anything! Now I'm just like, "How do they know my perfect playlist so much better than Apple Music?"

Don't judge me on my bag choice

The checker always asks if I want my meat in a separate bag in a very inscrutable way. Is this payback for not remembering my own bags? Does the WF script flip to White Lexus Driving Mom from hippie chick when I forget?