Weight loss_not

Let's just sum it up to start: I enjoy a brownie sundae. I don't care if it has wet nuts or chocolate sauce instead of fudge, or even if the brownie is a little burnt. I just really like brownie sundaes. But, I also like fitting into my clothes. I hate looking at pictures of myself and noticing yet another chin, another tire around my middle, an upper arm the size of a linebackers. So what's a girl to do? Get it under control. And I have done that. I lost 37 pounds on Weight Watchers after my second child was born. But then I went and got pregnant with twins, and even though most of that pregnancy's weight came off, I just can't seem to get the final 20 pounds back off. Sometimes, it's more like 30.

Here are some things I have tried:

"Don't be Fat in Florida"

This was a plan in which I tried to loose a few LBs before a vacation. I started a journal of sorts, because journaling what I eat can sometimes help me make better choices. Here is an excerpt:

Day 1:

Eggs, spinach, coconut oil, coffee 2/3 banana as I was cleaning up brekkie. Salad with turkey breast and a special dressing a la Gwynneth. Cashews, snap pea snacks, 2/3 kind bar with 14 grams sugar (!) that kids abandoned because they said it was gross. Shrimp scampi (shrimp, garlic butter olive oil kale) over leftover lunch salad. Now I am really really hungry!

Day 7

It's Monday at about 7:30. We are at an A Capella performance. I bribed the kids with Acca-snacks. I am not eating them like its my job. Which I guess it is.I am straight up fantasizing about apples and peanut butter right now.

Day 14

All I keep seeing on social media are posts about snow day baking, but I’m resisting like it’s my job. Which it is!

Day 20

Today was not good. After four days snowed in I finally caved in and did some blizzard baking.My resolve desserted me, so to speak. There was leftover dough just in the fridge with no cover at all and with a spoon in it. I found myself grabbing a spoonful every time I opened the fridge.

Day 28

I had eggs and spinach for breakfast, Salad for for lunch and fish tacos without the taco (or rice) for dinner. Then I lost my mind and had, like 10 strawberry flavored Oreo knockoffs. I'm weak and the kids are slobs.

I am going to be fat in Florida. Sigh.

So then I tried Dr. Fuhrman. He's a proponent of what he calls the Nutritarian lifestyle, which is vegan. My son was reading that book "Three Cups of Tea" while I was doing it, and my mantra became "Three Cups of Kale" because that was what I was trying to eat all the time.

Here's how I was feeling:

Day 1

We started with an overnight Soaked Oats. Unfortunately, my husband said what I was trying really hard not to think: it was exactly like the food they eat in that movie the Matrix, only they eat it when they are not in the Matrix. They refer to it as a bowl of snot. So did my husband. But we ate it. In the past I had had problems with bloating after eating oatmeal, but I just did it anyway. And regretted it. Lunch and dinner featured beans. I felt like Harry Potter’s aunt Marge that night.

Day 3:

I had a hard boiled egg, which Dr F  says you can have up to 3x a week. He says no egg yolk. But I was like fuck it, I’m eating THREE CUPS of Kale in one sitting. I really hate kale. It tastes gross. It gets caught in your teeth. It expands as you eat it so it always looks like there is as much on the plate as when you started. it exists. Kale is the WORST.

Day 5

Somewhere I was reading one of those articles about a person trying a diet and they said, when they were tempted

And then my journal just ends. No more words! I think I was probably onto something, but now I'll never know what.


So then I totally threw in the towel. I started a twitter account called "Weight Loss_Not" and posted fake diet tips. They were the worst tips I could think of, but I still got a bunch of weight lifters and nutritionists following me on Instagram. Because they know the truth: this stuff is really hard. I keep thinking I'll discover some kind of secret and I won't have to worry about this anymore, but that's probably not true. Still, I keep on trying. I just signed up for an 8 week program called "I Quit Sugar," It's Australian! I'll keep you posted on my progress.