Three times the internet lied to me

Sometimes when you are looking at the ole’ internet, you find out about things that are good to know, like this:

Not that I have any particular connection to the age of 47 or anything.

Not that I have any particular connection to the age of 47 or anything.

But sometimes, it’s just such a lie! I recently discovered that there’s a save function on Facebook from my friend Gena. It turns out, actually, that I had saved some other Facebook items but based on the content (something kinda smart gymnast Simone Biles said and a police report about car burglaries from 2016) I definitely did not mean to save these items. What I have been saving on purpose are the damn, dirty lies!

Cases in point:


The Embr Wave. I think that Facebook maybe thinks I am menopausal (which I am not, for the record), because I keep getting these adds for the Embr Wave, which claims to be a thermostat for your wrist. It’s actually a comically large wristband that tricks your body into feeling colder or warmer by using science! Really it warms or cools the area on your inner wrist, kind of like if you hold a hot coffee cup to feel warm or run your hands/wrists under cold water to cool down.

It seems cool, and even like it would help my kids out at school, where there is no air conditioning. But at 300 bucks a pop (there are sales, so maybe you could get it for $250) I think they are better off bringing water bottles filled with ice to school, which they do.

The part that makes me feel lied to is this picture, which keeps popping up on my feed and makes me think there’s a watch with magic cooling/heating rays shooting out of it. But there are no rays.

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The next case is closer to home. It is a Nifty DIY video that promises for “all your chores.” Apparently all chores can be made easier with (wait for it) pods! Pods, pods, pods. Not iPods, just things that you make in ice cube trays that are not ice.

You should watch along with me.

First of all, they make something with baking soda and washing soda. I don’t even know what washing soda is, but it sure looks tasty. Tasty enough to wreck up all my ice cube trays to do this? I don’t know. Really, if I wanted to cook, I would make brownies. I think if I eat these, no matter how much like pixie dust the “batter” looks like, I’ll later be vomiting blood, and is there a pod for that? No, reader, there is not. They go on to make something in ice cube trays with leftover lemon and lime rinds. Do you hav 24 uniformly sized pieces of lemon and or lime rinds? Are you hungover or still drunk? You put those in the tray with some vinegar and freeze them “until needed.” For the next rager? IDK. The next pod uses lemon zest, which everyone knows is completely for show only and has no actual purpose. Did the lemon growers’ board pay for this video? All of these would be pretty tasty with a little added butter, right? Also, seriously, how many ice cube trays do they have?

Finally, the big lie. Like all lies, it involves puppies, children, and promises that are just too good to be true.

These girls really wanted a particular puppy and their sadistic parents video taped them being teary and taciturn (I really like the one who appears to be older’s choices here. Her thousand mile stare out the window, clear statement of the facts “It has to be the same puppy, with the same personality and the same cuteness.” It’s a small but very powerful performance. She also does not make the promise she will care for the puppy at the end, which makes me respect her more. Though kudos for younger sister’s plaintive “When we see things that are cute we love them and we want to get them!” Reminds me of my own sisters addition to familial lore, exclaimed upon leaving Disney World. “We were so happy. And now we’re unhappy.”

Then they bring the puppy to the car, because they are liars, and otherwise why are we even watching this video? And every time I am about to cry when that showy little sister says “I KNEW it!” Crocodile tears, indeed. I bet if you check in on these two, there’s a bunch of dog poop on the lawn and a puppy chewing up someone’s armchair cover.