Procrastination Junction, What's Your Malfunction?

We've all been there. We have something to do. We've put it on a list, we've thought about it, we've carved out time in our schedule to perform this task, and we're going to cross that particular item off that list, dagnabbit, and right when it's time to do it? Suddenly it's three hours later, and the task hasn't been done. What happened? What was it that took us to this place of utter, complete failure in our day? I'll tell you what happened. THE INTERNET HAPPENED.


Listen. Let the person without a Buzzfeed quiz to take cast the first stone, okay? Internet based procrastination is the number one cause for late night hair-ripping and swearing up and down, and we've ALL been there, unless you are Amish and reading this on, I dunno, an abacus or whatever they use instead of the internet.

I have compiled a list of the top five internet time sucks (that's the technical term, right?) and we will discuss why they are all out to make us as unproductive as possible. Let's begin, because you didn't have anything better to do, right? Of course not!

  1. Facebook. Where were we without Facebook? When Facebook emerged as the biggest time suck of them all, did we have any idea whatsoever that this social media platform would take over our very lives? And who hasn't been up at 1 AM stalking I mean researching that crush I had in the seventh grade, and holy crap he looks like THAT now, wow, let's see what THIS guy looks like, and I wonder what she is up to and ugh, they hated us so much why do they want to be FB friends now, and oops the sun is rising. Facebook, you crafty devil, I never knew I cared so much about the minutiae of friends' lives but now I do, because I can't sleep if your 5 year old has a fever, or your cat ran away or you broke up with someone? Let's pile on your comment thread with love and promises of wine or cocoa and eff THAT guy. Facebook, we love you and hate you and we'll never quit you no matter what we say. Damn you, Zuckerberg!

  2. Instagram/Snapchat. What's better than typing about the events of the day? Taking pictures! Pictures of the dog! Pictures of the kids! Pictures of your dinner! Instagram and Snapchat have taught us that we love taking photographs of everything, especially ourselves. And I will defend selfies till the day I die, because I am of the mindset that selfies are not just vanity, they are celebrations of ourselves, and if you ever felt like a total loser in junior high and now you think you look good enough to take a picture of yourself for no reason? Do it! I think it's fabulous. Celebrate yourself and post that pic to Instagram or Snapchat. Personally I don't use Snapchat, but if you find glee in a filter that makes you look like a koala, go for it!

  3. Pinterest. And what's better than your own pictures of your dinner? OTHER people's pictures of THEIR dinner! Or crafts, or clothes, or makeup, or whatever. Pinterest is perhaps the most specific of time sucks, because you pop on there to look up "kids crafts" and four hours later you've gone off the deep end, and you've ordered five cans of chalkboard paint, a metric ton of modge podge, and fourteen books on Amazon because Pinterest made you feel inferior in your crafting. Which brings us to..,

  4. Amazon. I can't be the only one who "window shops" on Amazon for hours, right? Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this. Also I think Amazon should freeze your credit card after midnight to prevent buying random items in the middle of the night when it seems like SUCH a good idea but not so much when it arrives at your house two days later and you have no memory of buying it. Just a suggestion, Amazon!

  5. Buzzfeed. What Harry Potter character are you? What dog are you? What 90s movie character are you? A better quiz would be "What Was I Doing Two Hours Ago When I Fell Into This Buzzfeed Hole" because I have things to do, and Buzzfeed is determined to prevent me from doing them. I love Buzzfeed, because it shows us that things that we never thought we cared about (Let's watch these people eat hot peppers!) we really really do care about for a second, and that second is totally lost to eternity, because we've been on Buzzfeed for the whole dang afternoon.

There you have it. Five internet time sucks that prevent us from doing what we're supposed to be doing.

What WAS I doing, anyway?

Oh right.