I Am An Amazonian


Oh Amazon Dot Com. Is there nothing you can't do? Actually, I can think of something you can't do. You can't shut down at midnight every night to deter people like me from making purchases well into the wee hours of the morning when we all know that nothing good involving a credit card happens after midnight. That's a good idea I have, you should look into it.

But I love Amazon, I really do, and while they are not paying me one solitary cent to write this, I stand by the fact that without Amazon I wouldn't own such delights as a 50s style swing dress festooned with cherries, a pair of shoes with unicorns on them, my knapsack I take everywhere, or the very computer I am writing on right now. I have bought potato chips from New Orleans for my friend who was feeling homesick. I have bought animal head winter hats for the small humans in my life. I have bought my boyfriend gifts, my friends and family gifts, and so many things for myself that I never knew I needed until I saw them where? On Amazon, that's where. I have bought *fake hair* on Amazon. Really.


I don't know how they do it. I mean, I know that they have massive warehouses and incredibly hard working people at those warehouses, and delightful customer service representatives, but I am staggered by the sheer randomness of things they sell. I have yet to find anything I need that could not get on Amazon. And the few things I thought I needed that were not on Amazon? I decided I really didn't need it anyway.


But I mean it about shutting down after midnight. Because Drunk-Amazoning is a thing, and even those of us who don't drink have our own version we can't blame on too many glasses of wine and an available credit card. I have opened the door to the mailman and eagerly taken an Amazon box from him only to have a sinking feeling in my stomach and the thundering voice of guilt saying "I don't remember buying this" filling my head. See, that's why the whole shebang should shut down at bedtime because we have smartphones now, and we know we shouldn't bring them to bed but we do, and what can you access on a smartphone? Yep. Amazon. So get Jeff Bezos on the blower, I have a corker of an idea.