The four worst things about emails (yes, Instant Pot is mentioned)

Holy crap you guys! I am getting so much email! It seems like things reached a critical mass sometime in mid- November, when the perfect storm of Black Friday spoilers and Instant Pot deals just kind of exploded. In my in box. Over the holiday break, I was lucky enough to get to sleep in (one advantage of a house full of teenagers: the early mornings for babies and toddlers and even some tweens is long gone). But my phone was still set to Do Not Disturb only until 7 am. The “bing” of a received email turned into a steady stream of beeps and bells of dreamy hospital stays and walks near cathedrals. All in all, that was the best part of so many emails: their influence on my late morning dreams. The worst? It’ll have to be a countdown.

Number 4: Trust issues


Gap, I’m just going to lay it out there. It is not the last chance. It just isn’t. Every day since November 15 I’ve had several emails from you, and at least one informed me it was my last chance to get a mystery discount/40 percent off/the jeans everyone will be talking about next year/sweaters we love. I’m just not buying it. Except maybe I am going to buy that ultra lux soft hued rose satin bomber jacket. It’s 60 percent off today!

Number 3: There shouldn’t be this much math


I gotta name them and shame them. My husband wanted some cologne for Christmas, and this particular scent was absurdly expensive. Sensing my sticker shock ( the smells I like come for free with my shampoo or face cream) he turned me on to, which does offer pretty decent discounts. I think. They were sending me maybe 20-25 emails A DAY. Each with a different offer — free shipping! 50 bucks off your order! 30 percent off your order! In the end, it all basically added up to the same cost. But I want my brain space back for all that math I had to do.

Number 2: If it’s so great, why is it always on sale?


Lets just go there. I’m talking about the Instant Pot. Every email I have received since November seemed to involve this device. My comment about having instant-pot non buyers remorse on the day after cyber Monday got what seemed like a day’s worth of junk mail in comments. Golden, wonderful comments! So that wasn’t so bad. My friends are the best. I had seen others post about the intsa-pot and hoped that mine might get some marijuana references (get it — some people call marijuana "pot," and they maybe aren’t hooked into the latest in kitchen technology. The jokes write themselves.) I was doubly rewarded when we were able to get meth AND vaping into the conversation. But still, I am on the fence with this thing. Why all the deals? It seems like someone accidentally ordered a million of these instead of 10,000 and now everything must go! I’m also still not clear whether the touted seven uses for this thing are all actually legal.

Number 1: I will find you! (?)

Remember when Hawkeye in “The Last of the Mohicans” said “No matter how long it takes. No matter how far. I will find you!”   That is how I feel about you, friends. The ones who sent me personal emails since November. Heck, even the ones who sent e-vites or tried to remind me about upcoming Girl Scout events. I’m sorry. Those emails were swept away, like Daniel Day Lewis in that rushing waterfall. I know that didn’t end well, but there is a chance if you send me your email again.