The Best Gifts Ever (Except for one thing)


Every year, my family asks me what I want for Christmas, and I tell them that what I really want I already have: them and their loving wonderful selves. Their presence in my life is gift enough.

Actually, that’s a lie. No one ever asks me what I want because they are too busy telling me what they want. Or harassing me about what other people might like (Santa is such a nag!)  or saying things like “What are the things I could want?”

But I got to thinking, if they did ask, there are some things I would like. The problem is they don’t exist. But they should. So in case anyone wants to get me something and also invent it, here goes:

Take turns or else! The Happy Zapper

Remember a few weeks ago, when I said I let the kids figure out where to sit in the car on their own and felt really smug in my parenting abilities? That’s not really working out, which you would know if you saw us trying to get home from buying our Christmas Tree this year.

This imaginary app would solve a big problem. There would be a one time input of all family members in the car. It would keep track of whose turn it is to sit in the front seat and it would detect who was sitting in each seat and send a little electric charge to anyone sitting in the wrong seat.

Shopping Cart Trainer

Sometimes, I think, “I should go work out at the gym, but if I do there wont be any food in the fridge.” What if working out at the gym and getting food for the fridge could be done AT THE SAME TIME ?!?!??!?!????!!!! My idea is that there would be a choice when you grab a cart at the grocery store. You could choose the regular one or get a strength trainer, which would be weighted so it is hard to push, kind of like working with your body’s own resistance or lifting weights. It would have a little monitor that led you through a series of poses, flat back foldovers, standing planks etc. It would cue breaks to put stuff into the cart as you passed it. I really love this idea. It is not the same as when you get the cart with wheels that don’t turn so that you are dragging it around the grocery store, but I guess that will have to do for now.

Sock Solution

The Sock Solution would be something that would automatically unball the sock when the wearer removes it. Maybe it would be socks that have a structure that dont allow them to ball in the first place? And it would also have something in there that would indicate whether a match existed within a certain distance. As I’m always telling my kids, matter can be neither created or destroyed, so the think they are missing has not actually disappeared. But if a sock has gone to the landfill, I need to know whether I should keep it’s mate.

Bottle Flip Fakeout

You know how the kids like to flip their water bottles? Just to see if they can get them to land on their lids? Some might say that the true purpose is to annoy the crap out of any nearby adult. Goal Achieved. Repeatedly. There ought to be a bottle that is really heavy on the bottom, so it cant flip. Or a top that has a spring on it so the bottle just boings around more and more. Wait, that's just more annoying. I don't know, but there must be some way to stop this annoying thing, and that would be a really great gift in my opinion. Any ideas?