6 bitches I have a beef with at the Whole Foods

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First of all, just writing that headline sent me to Urban Dictionary for some answers about pluralization (Googling it turned up a lot of complaints about Whole Foods grass-fed beef so now I’m concerned about that). Turns out they aren’t so specif with the grammar stuff on there, so I’m winging it. 

Anyway, after a day of binge-watching Orange Is the New Black folding laundry, I headed out for a grocery store run. Here are all the bitches I ran into.*






(1 and 2) Two ladies ambling diagonally across the parking lot. How are you in my way on three separate occasions? Yes, I am making complicated series of turns some Lexus-driving bitches regularly give me the stink eye for. But that’s the only way I can get into what everyone knows is my spot at the Whole Foods. Next time you want to park there, ask permission. Are you listening Jaime Conroy?






(3) Salt-and-Pepper tight curl perm who is chatting up the juice guy. You are distracting him, and I need my fucking Drink Your Greens now, not when I’ve left the produce department. If I return seven times for each item I forgot, there is no reason why that would help me remember to pick my Smoothie up. Lady, he didn’t ask for our names, and he really doesn’t want to talk, Okurrrrr? 

(4) Becky with the good hair who is standing in front of literally all of the produce I want. Bitch, I took the long route from the organic spinach you were lingering over, and here you are at the mini-cucumbers like my worst nightmare. If you take the last container of the crinkle cut butternut squash fries, I will end you.   


(5) Bitch who fucking takes the open freezer door I’m leaning against and props it fully open to stand behind me. I’m trying to figure out what ingredients are in the sweet potato fries. The kind with added sugar are literal garbage. I will not be saying “That’s okay,” when you mumble “Sorry,” as I back out of the area with tater tots my kids will probably vomit.


(6) Bitch who called out people who don’t put their carts away on our FB community page.** You are a troll and your sanctimonious comment, “It takes literally seconds to put it back” rings in my ears every time I have to put the stupid cart back. 

Fuck you, bitches. 



* I did not actually run into anyone with my car or cart, however tempting it may have been.

** I did think the FB comment was a little extra, tbh, but I don’t think you are a troll or a bitch really, FB commenter(s). “It’s a joke! When you look at me like that, it’s a joke!” — Krusty the Clown